Handing over control.

Tomorrow will be my first time in hospital, in a non-maternity hospital. I am going in to get my gallbladder removed, it will be keyhole surgery, it only involves a one night stay, the recovery should be about a week or two. It’s a very common surgery, it has relatively few risks.

But I am a Mammy, which is why I am so worried about it. What if there are complications? What if I end up with a longer hospital stay? What about the girls?

I am going under anesthetic which worries me. I’m sure I’m not alone as a mother to never really fall into a deep sleep. The baby monitor is on the nightstand beside me and I am alert instantly if either baby cries or calls for me. The thought of being completely unconscious doesn’t sit well with me.

As a stay at home Mammy, the girls are with me almost all the time. Despite a wonderful support system, I usually visit our family with my kids but rarely leave them there and go off without them. They are my little shadows. I find handing them over to a timetable of different family members difficult, I worry they will be upset by a change of routine, not get enough naps, be overtired and cranky.

And of course my little ones will be fine. They adore spending time with their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I will be fine, home and resting and back to myself in no time. It seems having children serves to magnify every life event for better or for worse. Things I would have done without blinking now involve a more measured approach.

Because I’m not just myself anymore, I am them.

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